he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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