My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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