she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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