there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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