Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
