i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
