I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
