Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
