I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Randomize
