I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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