I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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