Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
