I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
