Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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