3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
