I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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