fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
