She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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