Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
