Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
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I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
It's official drugs can't kill me
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
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I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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