i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
