1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
