Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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