so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize
