Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
