Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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