Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
