so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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