Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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