I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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