someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
