I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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