just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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