i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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