Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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