I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
