Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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