Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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