I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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