In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
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I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
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Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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