im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
