I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
