wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
