Sry I called you an 8
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Randomize
