Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
