My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
