Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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