she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
