I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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