I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
