haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
