Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
