Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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