We're facebook friends in real life
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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