Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
