i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
